Every now and then.
Somewhere between asleep and awake, when my body is completely still. When my eyes softly open, gently blink, while every other part of me remains at rest.
In that complete stillness, I feel no pain. None. Nothing throbs, no part of me aches. There is nothing. I dare not move lest I cut this moment short. I imagine what it would be like to hop out of bed, stretch my arms way up to the sky, take in a deep breath - all without pain, without a "warm up".
What if today is the day? What if it was all a bad dream? What if it's gone? What if the miracle came in my sleep? What if?
But then, I wiggle my toes. Bend a knee. Attempt to roll to one side. And there it is: stiffness, pain, aching, reality.
I get out of bed. Slowly, but I get out of bed. Put one foot in front of the other. Check on the girls. Walk down to the kitchen. Take my medicine. Open the curtains. Let the light shine in.
Let the light shine in.
I tell myself: Today is the day. It was not a bad dream. The miracle is here. I am walking, breathing, living.
This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.
And I hope.
Not just to be healed, but to be made whole. Not just to feel no pain, but to feel - deeply, sincerely. To love. To give. To use my life for good. To tell my story. To listen to others. To hope.
But you have to choose.
You have to hope.