Let's admit it - some days are better than others. This week I had a few others. The pain was escalating and I ended up at the doctor on Friday because it was so bad. My doctor talked to me and convinced me that I have to increase my steroid dosage until we get a handle on things. I've been fighting against medication for the last several months – didn’t want to deal with the side effects and I don't want to just band-aid what's going on. Still, this week was a wake up call. I have come to terms with the fact that, unfortunately, right now I need something to help me with day to day living. This is hard for me to swallow, but I need to give myself a little grace and do what I have to do for the time being. Hopefully it will just be temporary. Once there's a concrete diagnosis, I can make a long term plan and start moving forward with some alternative pain management. I have a follow up MRI next week and then meet with a new spine specialist and rheumatologist after that. Until then, I'm taking it day by day.
I don't want to just blog on the days I'm feeling great and thinking positive. I don't want to paint a pretty picture just for pretty sake. This is life. And life is beautiful. But it also brings challenges, pain and dark days. This blog is my journey and I'm going to share it as genuinely as I know how. Earlier this week, I was feeling discouraged and overwhelmed until I stopped to think. As crazy as the last 8 months have been, both physically and mentally, it has actually given me more than it has taken away:
- Renewed Faith: God is faithful - all the time. While I may not be “healed” the way I want to be, something bigger is at work. I prayed to be made whole and that is what's happening. I am more present, more aware, and more alive than ever. For this, I am thankful.
- I got my voice back: I used to write. I had a lot to say. Somewhere along the way, I stopped. If you asked me to start a blog a few years ago I wouldn't have known where to begin. But now, now I stay up way too late just to see the words form sentences on the screen. A friend of mine recently said, “You’re writing your own story.” I never thought about it quite like that but I guess that's what makes writing so empowering. I may not be able to control my circumstances, but I certainly can chose how I will journey through this season. And sharing it out loud has given me such strength.
- Connection: I’ve always been
a stubborn, do it myself, kind of girl independent. I never really asked for help because I could just take care of it myself (oldest sibling syndrome?). This year, I learned how to receive. Thanks to our local MOMS Club, women, some I've never met before, brought meals for my family and me when I was recovering from surgery. People volunteered to watch my kids, clean my house, and go grocery shopping. My mom stayed with me for weeks when I couldn't lift my baby. The outpouring of love and support has truly been humbling. Learning to graciously receive has been an incredible lesson. It has allowed me to feel more human, more connected. My heart is full.
I could go on and on about how much I've learned and continue to learn, but there will be time for that in the weeks and months to come. For now, my house is quiet, the birds are singing and all is well. It's time to take it all in.
Thank you for being here...